So Jeff left for Vegas today to go to a buddy's wedding. And I am here in Columbus...all by my lonesome...with the dogs of course. The girls whom I have befriended on our block are all out of town as well. So I did what any girl does on a Saturday when her beau is away - I made cookies and watched a chick flick. :)
I have mixed feelings about Jeff being in Vegas. It's good but kinda stinks at the same time. It's good in that I have some time to do whatever I darn well please! I made cookies and watched The Proposal. I'm going to go take a nice hot bath with my book. I've been lazy all afternoon (mind you something is currently laying seige on my sinuses). Tomorrow I'm going to go into town and Saleh (stop and reflect). There will be no time limit. I will fast. I will listen. I will jounal. I will draw. I will think. I will pray. I will meditate. I will contemplate. I will observe. I will do whatever I darn well please...and whatever the ole' HS leads me to do (HS is Holy Spirit in T's Christian Ebonics...or Christbonics if you will?) I'm just going to go with a few topics to focus on and it's going to be so nice! I did this my first or second summer working at Sky Ranch and it was amazing. It was so peaceful and yet so mentally violent at the same time. We were forced to stop and Saleh. I don't do that anymore. I haven't in a while. My life has been crazy hectic - sometimes by my own will. And I have not stopped to contemplate on God and all the crazy shinanigans He's up to. I don't stop. I have my schedule that I try to stick to and my to do list that is only of the upmost importance and filled with things like washing the dogs, making muffins, sweeping the house, working out, and finishing a master's course. With a schedule of such important things like that, who has time to pay any attention to our Creator and Sustainer? And that's the issue. That's why I'm doing a Saleh tomorrow. Because I need to do something about my priorities and put a stop to the insanity of my so called life. What is life if it's self-centered? A sad and inadequate one at most. That is what I'm looking for. And it's falling on a weekend that Jeff isn't here so I can't use him as an excuse as to why I can't go, like I probably would if he was here.
At first, I was kinda bummed. Originally I was going to go meet my family in Florida while Jeff was in Vegas this weekend but with the oil spill, it was canceled. And so that's how I find myself here all weekend by myself. I think it was God tricking me into something that I'm much too Protestant Productive to give myself but so desperately need. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow and this time of Saleh.
But I am sad because I do miss my husband. We're still newly weds so he doesn't quite get on my nerves all time. And cuddling with him is much more fun than cuddling with the dogs. I'm also sad because it's giving me a glimpse of the next deployment. The girl who lives above us, her husband is deployed. I just wonder how she does it. I guess she has friends and stays pretty busy. But being so far from my friends and family, I'm just not looking forward for the next one. Either way, it is what it is and I don't have to stress over that yet.
Also, Vegas is not the best place to send your husband. I trust Jeff. He knows how I feel about everything I have a particular angst against (now). But there's always that still. He's with a few buddies, one of which never finished college and so he's still into that shots and jugging beer phase...not the best of influences. He makes everything a competition. Thank God I don't have fight that; but Jeff is fighting it alone. There's a few other guys there. One of which Jeff roomed with in Iraq. The fact he's going is a major part why I'm not as well. Not because I don't like him, but rather because they need time to hangout without me. They went through things I can't imagine and bonded in a way that most men don't for the fact that most men don't see the things they saw. So this is like there weekend to kickback and catch up. And it is well in my soul.
Tomorrow for Saleh, I'm going to focus on these topics: the future body issues/food, kids (and I can't help but add a God forbid....anytime soon), wisdom, and guidance for the decisions now (friends, school, work, and ministry). It will be good.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
G.A. Ink
And I can't sleep so I'm just going to keep going.
I want to get another tattoo. Two more to be exact. I already have 2 and I love them. They both mean something very dear to me. I have one on my hip of a shooting star that represents a time in my life when I felt I had fallen from grace. Eventually, we'll get into that I'm sure. I have an other one on my wrist of a small cross - the one I wear around my kneck almost daily. I got this one to remind me how I'm supposed to act. I had wanted it for a few years and by the time I got it, I was so excited that I didn't notice that it was too high on my wrist. I had originally planned on getting low enough so I could wear a watch to hide it. But I like it better that I can't.
I want to get one on my rib cage that says "Love God. Embrace Beauty. And live Life to the Fullest." My college pastor said that at the end of every sermon. He always talked about how you can't compartmentalize Christianity. You can't limit your faith to a Sunday morning or under a watch. If you do, then it's not really real faith. He also emphasized constantly on really living your life and doing everything to the fullest of your capabilities. Not half-assing it, if you will. I watched him die. Along with several hundred other college students and pa rents. He was electrocuted in the baptismal one Sunday morning. I want it to remember him and his teachings. I want it to talk about him and the things he said when people (if they happen to see it) ask about the tattoo on my rib cage.
I also want a tattoo on the back of my neck just under my hairline. Like a stamp. I want it to say either "forgiven" or "grace." I haven't decided yet. Grace is my favorite word. It's just so beautiful. But forgiven is what I am.
Oh I am counting the days to get my little GA Ink...and till I have to hide them from my mother. Who knows - next time you see me, I may even have sleeves of a Paris landscape or of a pug face. Maybe a collage of the two....hmmmmm....ponder....
I want to get another tattoo. Two more to be exact. I already have 2 and I love them. They both mean something very dear to me. I have one on my hip of a shooting star that represents a time in my life when I felt I had fallen from grace. Eventually, we'll get into that I'm sure. I have an other one on my wrist of a small cross - the one I wear around my kneck almost daily. I got this one to remind me how I'm supposed to act. I had wanted it for a few years and by the time I got it, I was so excited that I didn't notice that it was too high on my wrist. I had originally planned on getting low enough so I could wear a watch to hide it. But I like it better that I can't.
I want to get one on my rib cage that says "Love God. Embrace Beauty. And live Life to the Fullest." My college pastor said that at the end of every sermon. He always talked about how you can't compartmentalize Christianity. You can't limit your faith to a Sunday morning or under a watch. If you do, then it's not really real faith. He also emphasized constantly on really living your life and doing everything to the fullest of your capabilities. Not half-assing it, if you will. I watched him die. Along with several hundred other college students and pa rents. He was electrocuted in the baptismal one Sunday morning. I want it to remember him and his teachings. I want it to talk about him and the things he said when people (if they happen to see it) ask about the tattoo on my rib cage.
I also want a tattoo on the back of my neck just under my hairline. Like a stamp. I want it to say either "forgiven" or "grace." I haven't decided yet. Grace is my favorite word. It's just so beautiful. But forgiven is what I am.
Oh I am counting the days to get my little GA Ink...and till I have to hide them from my mother. Who knows - next time you see me, I may even have sleeves of a Paris landscape or of a pug face. Maybe a collage of the two....hmmmmm....ponder....
Death and Taxes
Death is such a cruel necessity but a guaranteed one. Everyone dies. And if people didn't die, the human race would have died out long ago due to the lack of everything that we need to support life. Everyone dies. And usually when they do, we, those of us left behind to mourn, find ourselves asking why. What a queer quandary. Why did they have to die? Of all the people in the world. All the bad people who deserve death. All the good people who have been far too blessed in their lives. All the old people who have lived long enough. Why the ones we love?
A young college kid died in a car accident on his way up to Lubbock. From what I know, the exact details of what happened in the car are still a bit confused but he flew through the window. He left behind his girl friend, countless friends, and his grieving parents, who had already lost one child. Why him?
Another young soldier died in a motorcycle accident. He was going too fast and lost control. He also left behind a girlfriend, countless friends, and grieving parents. He was the gunner of my husband's Hum-V in Iraq. He saved their lives on a few occasions I'm sure. Why him?
A man with a wife and three daughters was shot in the chest by a sniper in Iraq. He was in my husband's unit. At his memorial, his youngest (now about 5) saw her daddy's face on the video screen and yelled out "Daddy!" and started crying. Why him?
A young sorority girl died on her way to her grandparents house one late night after finals. She fell asleep at the wheel and her truck, being on cruise control, slammed into a much bigger truck doing highway speeds. She left behind her little sister who idolized her, countless friends, grieving parents. Why her?
A young pastor dies in a baptismal in front of hundreds in the congregation as he attempts to baptize a young college girl. He was electrocuted. His wife was in the front row. He left behind two babies, a wife, countless friends, college students who found faith through him when other pastors had taken it away, and grieving parents. Why him?
An old man died after a couple of years slowly deteriorating. After his wife died, he lost his will to live. He was my grandpa. Why him?
Why the babies on the news who come up missing? Why the mothers fighting breast cancer? Why the kids fighting brain tumors and leukemia? Why Natalie Holloway on her senior trip? Why Orlando Bloom?
Death is part of my reality. If you or anyone you love is in the military, it is part of your reality. When my husband deploys or goes out on a training mission, I know that there is always a possibility that he won't come back. Morbid as it may be, I have prepared myself in case I get that knock on the door....just so I won't deteriorate into my sadness. He knows also that it is a reality of his job. That he may not make it back or his men may not all make it back. But what if it were me that died? What if I was in a car accident? We haven't planned for that. Would he know what to do or slowly deteriorate into his sadness? (I know he wouldn't because he's stronger than I can imagine.) But what happens when we aren't prepared for it? When we don't know the reality of the possibility? That's when we ask why.
But a better question is "why not?" We are born to die and are dying the moment we are born. Death only becomes painful when it's personal. And in those times we are tested in our true strength and faith. It's OK to get mad at God when someone you love dies. I've been mad at God more times than I can think of and I have yet to be struck by lightening. Getting mad is OK. Questioning is OK. Denying is not. You can't deny that death is fair. It's a guarantee and the death of a father is no less or more fair than the death of a toddler or a college kid or a promising soldier. You can't deny that God has supreme power in these times either. Could you have done anything to stop the death? No. Could God? Yes. But we opted out of that kind of relationship. Humanity did. Death was not a guarantee until Adam and Eve did their thing with the apple. We invited death and then we get pissed when he ruins the party. We can't count on our loved ones not dying. We can however count on God getting us through that time of grief. Sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes numb and carried by Him.
You can't say death is not fair when it is a guarantee that we chose. As I like to say, we made our choices and now we have to live with the consequences. BUT. And that's a big BUT. We have a promise that if we trust in God and truly try to be Christ like by following his ways, we'll live forever in a better place. It won't be easy to get their necessarily. We'll fight and fall and fail. But that's where my favorite word comes into play, GRACE. God's Grace is what picks us up, dusts us off, and encourages us to try again without going back to start. Grace. If you believe.
Now, nothing is guaranteed in life but death and taxes. In the army, death is a daily reminder of our humanity, depravity, and love. In the army, it's a fear that lurks in your head and your heart...sometimes closer to the surface than others. So don't ask why did some one you love die. Rather ask yourself, why did you think they couldn't or wouldn't die? And then reexamine which side of Grace you want to be on - the side where God carries you when you're too weak to walk or the side where you fight death on your own.
A young college kid died in a car accident on his way up to Lubbock. From what I know, the exact details of what happened in the car are still a bit confused but he flew through the window. He left behind his girl friend, countless friends, and his grieving parents, who had already lost one child. Why him?
Another young soldier died in a motorcycle accident. He was going too fast and lost control. He also left behind a girlfriend, countless friends, and grieving parents. He was the gunner of my husband's Hum-V in Iraq. He saved their lives on a few occasions I'm sure. Why him?
A man with a wife and three daughters was shot in the chest by a sniper in Iraq. He was in my husband's unit. At his memorial, his youngest (now about 5) saw her daddy's face on the video screen and yelled out "Daddy!" and started crying. Why him?
A young sorority girl died on her way to her grandparents house one late night after finals. She fell asleep at the wheel and her truck, being on cruise control, slammed into a much bigger truck doing highway speeds. She left behind her little sister who idolized her, countless friends, grieving parents. Why her?
A young pastor dies in a baptismal in front of hundreds in the congregation as he attempts to baptize a young college girl. He was electrocuted. His wife was in the front row. He left behind two babies, a wife, countless friends, college students who found faith through him when other pastors had taken it away, and grieving parents. Why him?
An old man died after a couple of years slowly deteriorating. After his wife died, he lost his will to live. He was my grandpa. Why him?
Why the babies on the news who come up missing? Why the mothers fighting breast cancer? Why the kids fighting brain tumors and leukemia? Why Natalie Holloway on her senior trip? Why Orlando Bloom?
Death is part of my reality. If you or anyone you love is in the military, it is part of your reality. When my husband deploys or goes out on a training mission, I know that there is always a possibility that he won't come back. Morbid as it may be, I have prepared myself in case I get that knock on the door....just so I won't deteriorate into my sadness. He knows also that it is a reality of his job. That he may not make it back or his men may not all make it back. But what if it were me that died? What if I was in a car accident? We haven't planned for that. Would he know what to do or slowly deteriorate into his sadness? (I know he wouldn't because he's stronger than I can imagine.) But what happens when we aren't prepared for it? When we don't know the reality of the possibility? That's when we ask why.
But a better question is "why not?" We are born to die and are dying the moment we are born. Death only becomes painful when it's personal. And in those times we are tested in our true strength and faith. It's OK to get mad at God when someone you love dies. I've been mad at God more times than I can think of and I have yet to be struck by lightening. Getting mad is OK. Questioning is OK. Denying is not. You can't deny that death is fair. It's a guarantee and the death of a father is no less or more fair than the death of a toddler or a college kid or a promising soldier. You can't deny that God has supreme power in these times either. Could you have done anything to stop the death? No. Could God? Yes. But we opted out of that kind of relationship. Humanity did. Death was not a guarantee until Adam and Eve did their thing with the apple. We invited death and then we get pissed when he ruins the party. We can't count on our loved ones not dying. We can however count on God getting us through that time of grief. Sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes numb and carried by Him.
You can't say death is not fair when it is a guarantee that we chose. As I like to say, we made our choices and now we have to live with the consequences. BUT. And that's a big BUT. We have a promise that if we trust in God and truly try to be Christ like by following his ways, we'll live forever in a better place. It won't be easy to get their necessarily. We'll fight and fall and fail. But that's where my favorite word comes into play, GRACE. God's Grace is what picks us up, dusts us off, and encourages us to try again without going back to start. Grace. If you believe.
Now, nothing is guaranteed in life but death and taxes. In the army, death is a daily reminder of our humanity, depravity, and love. In the army, it's a fear that lurks in your head and your heart...sometimes closer to the surface than others. So don't ask why did some one you love die. Rather ask yourself, why did you think they couldn't or wouldn't die? And then reexamine which side of Grace you want to be on - the side where God carries you when you're too weak to walk or the side where you fight death on your own.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Firsts
I started my lectures yesterday and I am excited. My first three classes are all lectures and there are no text books so I sit at my kitchen table listening and scribbling away at either important notes or doodling with exchanges of frantically searching the Bible whenever the professor (Dr. Flemming) gives out Bible verses. It's nice to be learning again. To be learning things I actually consider very important. I would like to some way make this funny but there's nothing really funny when life is so good. The jokes and the cracks come when life is not good and you have no choice but to laugh at your circumstances in order to just not break down and cry. But I fear that the reason life is this good is because it's going to get really bad. Kinda like the summit before the fall. But I am in constant watch (not paranoia but just attention) to when and if things start to turn south. I am also thankful. Very thankful for how things are now.
Yesterday was also Jeff's first day at work as a captain. I got to go into his class and pin him and everyone shook his hand and said "It's about time." It was pretty cool. Jeff has worked hard and receiving his rail-road tracks (captain symbol looks like rail-road tracks) was like being a kid on Christmas morning. He keeps looking at his chest and stroking his rank. So he's starting a new journey as well. And working hard to get into Ranger school...which why anyone would want to put themselves through that, I have no idea, but it's his goal so I say go for it. (PS there's a new show coming out on Nat Geo I think where it follows men through the Ranger course...crack heads.)
We found a church. A good church I think. And we have friends who go there. We both got that warm gooey feeling in our hearts like when we first met, or when my niece hugs me. It's good. Life is good.
I'm reminded of Job. It can all be taken away. Either as a test. Punishment. Sin. Whatever. Nothing is guaranteed besides that God won't leave us. So I try to remember that and surf this emotional high rip curl just a little bit longer and pray to God I hit a sand bar and not coral. That would suck.
And one last thing - Babylon. I'm reading like a thousand books right now...because I am a nerd. One is for leisure (like on the bike or in a hot bath), one is for bedtime or random times during the day(though I really like it so it keeps me up sometimes), one is a quick devotional about the Apocalypse, and the others are really more for reference. Anyways, Babylon has come up a few times and did you know that Babylon was what is now modern day Iraq? And in Revelations 13 I think, Babylon falls. Now is this historic, literal, symbolic? I have no idea. But it's kinda funny that we're at war with Iraq...or well in Iraq. Babylon doesn't fall because of war though, at least not on the battlefield. Babylon says "I am queen, not a widow" meaning her men didn't die in a battle. Rather it says Babylon fell on itself because of plagues. Maybe it's not the traditional interpretation of plagues. Maybe it's the constant fighting they have going on with each other. The corruptness in the police force and the ruling officials. Maybe they're going to fight to the death and destroy themselves. I don't know but it's something to ponder. And it's sad, I think.
Yesterday was also Jeff's first day at work as a captain. I got to go into his class and pin him and everyone shook his hand and said "It's about time." It was pretty cool. Jeff has worked hard and receiving his rail-road tracks (captain symbol looks like rail-road tracks) was like being a kid on Christmas morning. He keeps looking at his chest and stroking his rank. So he's starting a new journey as well. And working hard to get into Ranger school...which why anyone would want to put themselves through that, I have no idea, but it's his goal so I say go for it. (PS there's a new show coming out on Nat Geo I think where it follows men through the Ranger course...crack heads.)
We found a church. A good church I think. And we have friends who go there. We both got that warm gooey feeling in our hearts like when we first met, or when my niece hugs me. It's good. Life is good.
I'm reminded of Job. It can all be taken away. Either as a test. Punishment. Sin. Whatever. Nothing is guaranteed besides that God won't leave us. So I try to remember that and surf this emotional high rip curl just a little bit longer and pray to God I hit a sand bar and not coral. That would suck.
And one last thing - Babylon. I'm reading like a thousand books right now...because I am a nerd. One is for leisure (like on the bike or in a hot bath), one is for bedtime or random times during the day(though I really like it so it keeps me up sometimes), one is a quick devotional about the Apocalypse, and the others are really more for reference. Anyways, Babylon has come up a few times and did you know that Babylon was what is now modern day Iraq? And in Revelations 13 I think, Babylon falls. Now is this historic, literal, symbolic? I have no idea. But it's kinda funny that we're at war with Iraq...or well in Iraq. Babylon doesn't fall because of war though, at least not on the battlefield. Babylon says "I am queen, not a widow" meaning her men didn't die in a battle. Rather it says Babylon fell on itself because of plagues. Maybe it's not the traditional interpretation of plagues. Maybe it's the constant fighting they have going on with each other. The corruptness in the police force and the ruling officials. Maybe they're going to fight to the death and destroy themselves. I don't know but it's something to ponder. And it's sad, I think.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Chapter 1
So. I've thought about doing this for a while. I used to blog a little on My Space but have deleted that. I would blog about the things I was struggling with, my broken heart, my despair, my uncertainty, and my stupidity. But I deleted my blogs when I deleted that part of my life. If it were only that easy, to delete parts of your life or yourself that you don't like.
But here I am again. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. But this first chapter is about getting in touch with who I was and who I am. Why do I need to do this? Because I got married and it was much harder changing my name than I thought it was going to be. Maybe that's because my husband is in the army. And he's good. He's a good soldier, a good officer. Someone you really want next to you in battle. I'm afraid I'm going to melt into the background and just be seen as his wife. An army wife. I am not defined by my husband's career. I am more than that. And that's where we start - who am I?
I was born in Manhattan, KS, and lived there until my family moved me to Texas when I was 2 years old. I grew up in Irving, TX. Started attending church when I was in the 6th grade and solidified what I already knew - that God was bigger and better and more supreme than I could ever dream of in my minuscule imagination. I started to try to live the way I think Christians live and I was a hypocrite. I went through some really bad stuff (which I am sure we will discuss sometime) but I came out stronger for it. I went off to college where my faith was challenged and grown tremendously. I worked at a Christian summer camp for the privileged of the South and came to realize - I have to help people. I have always needed to help people but I didn't know it. So I changed my major to the only classes I truly enjoyed at my Southern Baptist University - Religion. And I LOVED it. But you can't do anything with religion without more of an education and so by the time I graduated, I had made the decision to get my masters in Christian Counseling. However, I was going to have pay for it and I needed a break. So I decided to take about a year off and start again. In that year, my world was flipped upside down when I met the man who I am recently married to. We dated and were engaged for 3 years, always separated in different cities, states, and even countries (one deployment mind you) with weekend visits to solidify our best definitions of love.
And that's where I am today: married, Ft. Benning, GA, not working (yet) and about to start my first three courses of my masters. And this blog is my story of my studies, marriage, travels, experiences, everything I guess I want to say but afraid to really bother anyone - besides who's going to take time out of their schedule to read my blog - besides my mom and husband. But still I will write about it...as I should have been doing all along.
My purpose for this blog - To remember who I am as I grow into my new life.
But here I am again. I'm starting a new chapter in my life. But this first chapter is about getting in touch with who I was and who I am. Why do I need to do this? Because I got married and it was much harder changing my name than I thought it was going to be. Maybe that's because my husband is in the army. And he's good. He's a good soldier, a good officer. Someone you really want next to you in battle. I'm afraid I'm going to melt into the background and just be seen as his wife. An army wife. I am not defined by my husband's career. I am more than that. And that's where we start - who am I?
I was born in Manhattan, KS, and lived there until my family moved me to Texas when I was 2 years old. I grew up in Irving, TX. Started attending church when I was in the 6th grade and solidified what I already knew - that God was bigger and better and more supreme than I could ever dream of in my minuscule imagination. I started to try to live the way I think Christians live and I was a hypocrite. I went through some really bad stuff (which I am sure we will discuss sometime) but I came out stronger for it. I went off to college where my faith was challenged and grown tremendously. I worked at a Christian summer camp for the privileged of the South and came to realize - I have to help people. I have always needed to help people but I didn't know it. So I changed my major to the only classes I truly enjoyed at my Southern Baptist University - Religion. And I LOVED it. But you can't do anything with religion without more of an education and so by the time I graduated, I had made the decision to get my masters in Christian Counseling. However, I was going to have pay for it and I needed a break. So I decided to take about a year off and start again. In that year, my world was flipped upside down when I met the man who I am recently married to. We dated and were engaged for 3 years, always separated in different cities, states, and even countries (one deployment mind you) with weekend visits to solidify our best definitions of love.
And that's where I am today: married, Ft. Benning, GA, not working (yet) and about to start my first three courses of my masters. And this blog is my story of my studies, marriage, travels, experiences, everything I guess I want to say but afraid to really bother anyone - besides who's going to take time out of their schedule to read my blog - besides my mom and husband. But still I will write about it...as I should have been doing all along.
My purpose for this blog - To remember who I am as I grow into my new life.
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